Bittersweet

I made it through my first Christmas without Mama. Honestly, I stayed too busy to let it bother me for very long.

We picked Daddy up yesterday so that he could spend a couple of days and nights with us and the boys. My brother had to work Christmas Eve night and tonight, so I invited Daddy to come join us for the holiday. He’s in such bad shape, this very well may have been his last Christmas with us.

I was the first one to wake this morning, at 8:24. I couldn’t believe the boys were still sleeping. I got up and dressed, and opened the blinds in the living room and kitchen. There was a heavy fog across the front yard, and the skies were dreary. I went to have my first blissful smoke of the morning and by the time I came back in, J was awake. He picked his head up from his pillow where he had slept on the couch (Daddy took his bed), and drawled out a “Merry Christmas!” in that twangy little accent of his.

I went to wake B and grab my camera. He got the coffee pot going while we waited for Daddy and O to get up and gather in the living room around the tree with J. After coffee was poured for the grownups, the fun began. We couldn’t afford to get the boys a lot this year because of having to help pay for Mama’s funeral, but they were so happy with what they got. O got a 550 cord bracelet, a Bear Grylls knife he wanted, another collector’s knife, an ACU wallet, and an Android tablet. J got a 550 cord bracelet, a new camo saxophone strap, a saxophone t-shirt, an ACU wallet, and an Android tablet. They also got a few new board games to share (with all of us actually, considering we play together).

I made breakfast – pancakes with homemade syrup, scrambled eggs (fresh from our hens), and sausage. We enjoyed our time together, talking and laughing. I cleaned up after breakfast, threw away the wrapping paper, swept the kitchen, and vacuumed the living room. I knew if I didn’t stay on top of things the house would be completely trashed by the end of the day. A messy house stresses me out – guess I got that from Mama.

I got started on the next round of cooking. My brother and his un-girlfriend were coming around lunchtime, and at that point, I didn’t know who else might stop by. B threw a pork shoulder on the grill to smoke, and I began peeling potatoes for potato salad. It’s one of my signature dishes. Everyone asks me to make it for every function. I made it the same way Mama made hers, but even she used to tell me that mine was better.

B’s mom and sister dropped by, bearing gifts for us and the boys, and subsequently, my taters were also dropped for a while. The boys and B got some new shirts, framed family photos, and other random doohickeys. I got a few inspirational books, an insulated Thirty-One bag, a new Thirty-One camera strap cover, a couple of decorative rooster plates, a digital photo keychain… I think that’s all.

I was grateful, but I just couldn’t be cheerful. I’m still having a hard time being around anyone else who is with their mother at the same time. It’s a huge, painful reminder that I don’t have a mother anymore. I felt terribly uncomfortable, and wished they’d leave.